Dare 40

Love is a covenant

There is a difference between a covenant and a contract.  A contract is usually written and based on distrust and outlines the conditions & consequences if broken.  A covenant on the other hand is a verbal commitment based on trust, assuring someone that my promise is unconditional and good for life.  a contract is self serving and a covenant is for the benefit of others.  Contracts can be broken, covenants are meant to be unbroken.

Marriage is the strongest covenant on earth between 2 people and through the vows it is a publicly spoken premeditated promise witnessed by others.  And because the Spirit of God is in us we can exercise the role of covenant keeper.

Now that I understand this I can take on this role in all my relationships.

Dare 39

Love endures

Love never fails.  If love is really love, it doesn’t waffle when it’s not received.  If you can tell your love to stop then it really wasn’t love to begin with.  Love that comes form God is unending, unstoppable.

It’s easy to love when things are going smoothly, but when things get tough that is the true test – do we continue to love even when it is not received?

The Holy Spirit lives in our heart and through the Holy Spirit God creates in us His unchanging love.  And that is the love we have to give away.

I realize today that I didn’t have that kind of love in my marriage, because I was able to turn it off.  But I also know that I didn’t have God in my life at that time either. Maybe things would have been different if I had, but hind sight is 20/20, and there is no sense in looking back.

I choose to look forward to what the future holds for me and what God has planned for my life.

Until next time…

Dare 38

Love fulfills dreams

Dreams come in all shapes & sizes and love takes notice of each one.

God know what my wants and needs are and He also knows what my hopes & dreams are too.  And He gives me exactly what is good for me at the exact right time.  And even though it may not look like I think is should it is always perfect and right on time.

I have learned that God’s timetable is much different than mine.  And over the years I have learned His timing is perfect and when something isn’t working out the way I want it to it probably isn’t supposed to.

I know that God loves me and is in charge of my life and all I have to do is the next right thing and leave the results up to Him.

Until next time…

Dare 37

Love agrees in prayer

Every night before I go to bed I get on my knees and spend some time with God in prayer. I used to feel very uncomfortable doing this but today I don’t feel complete unless I end my day this way.

But this is not the only time I pray. I’ve come to understand that prayer is me talking to God & meditation is me listening to God. So you could say I pray all day long because I talk with God throughout my day because He is always there and ready to listen.

God is pleased when I humble myself and seek him. A wise friend once told me the closest we come to God in this world is in the seeking, so I am always seeking. Prayer is a privilege and He want me to engage with Him as often as I can, it doesn’t matter if it’s aloud or silently in my heart – I know when I knock the door will always be opened.

Until next time…

Dare 36

Love is God’s word

It’s about being in God’s word – reading the bible. It is amazing how different I feel when I spend time with God’s word. Even if I don’t really understand what I’m reading I know God is speaking to me.

God has a plan for everything, including my life, and reading the bible brings me close to Him. And the more I read the bible the stronger I get in all areas of my life.

I like to read the bible before I go to sleep as part of my prayer – it’s a great way to for me to end my day. And when I take the time to read the Bible in the morning it’s a great way to start my day too.

Until next time…

Dare 35

Love is accountable

Everyone needs wise counsel throughout life. Gaining wise counsel is like getting a detailed roadmap and a personal guide while traveling on a long challenging journey. And that is what life is, a lifelong journey full of joys & challenges and having a mentor to help on this journey is a blessing.

I have had many mentors along the way. I have also chosen to go it alone at times too and I have found that it is much easier with a mentor. I heard a saying “the mind that created the problem is probably not the mind that will solve the problem” and that is when it is good to have a mentor – someone who will shoot straight with me. And even though at time what they tell me may not be what I want to hear, it’s usually what I need to hear.

When looking for a mentor I look for someone who has what I want in the area of my life that I am working on at the time. And it’s ok to have more than one at a time, and right now I have many mentors and wise counselors in my life thanks to the K&A journey I’m on. I am so blessed to have these people on my life.

Until next time…

Dare 34

Love celebrates godliness

The meaning of ‘real life’ changes dramatically when we understand that God’s word is the ultimate expression of what real life is. 

Nearly everything we encounter as we go through our day is luring us away from God’s word –people’s opinions, news stories, websites and other various temptations of the day – will be working overtime to shape our perceptions of what is true and most desirable in life. 

Love is not about how you look or what you have. Love is about rejoicing most in the things that please God.  The pursuit of godliness, purity and faithfulness is the only way to find joy and ultimate fulfillment.  Remaining unjaded and uncompromising as we travel through life is the way to win in the eyes of God.

I find when I invite God into my day things just seem to flow and if I encounter obstacle I don’t get agitated.

Until next time…

Dare 33

Love completes each other

At first I thought it would be kind of hard to take this dare out of the context of marriage.  God creates marriage by uniting a man & woman as one, meant to function in harmony.  And though love must be willing to act alone, it is always better if it isn’t a solo performance.

Meaning – God made us for each other, to balance each other and to complete each other. And this oneness was designed to compliment & support the other – when one is weak the other is strong, when one needs to be built up the other is equipped to enhance & encourage.  We multiply each other’s joys and divide the sorrows.

And though our differences may at times lead to misunderstandings & conflicts, when we learn to accept these differences we can bypass the criticism and go straight to helping & appreciating one another.

The effectiveness of a relationship is dependent on working together. Joined together we are greater than our individual self.  We need each other, we complete each other.

Now I can see how this holds true in all relationships, not just marriages.  We were put here to love & support each other and glorify God.  And though this kind of love is taken to another level in a marriage, all relationships can be improved if we learn to accept our differences and support each other instead of criticizing. 

How awesome would this world be if we all lived this way!

Until next time…

Dare 32

Love meets sexual needs

WOW!! I never thought about God, the Bible & sex all at the same time.  I always have known that the bible says we should only have sex within a marriage though I haven’t followed that dictate.  I was faithful when I was married, but I have been divorced for 22 years…

I really love what this dare talks about.

The Bible has a great deal to say about sex and the blessing it can be for a husband and wife.  Romance is meant to thrive & flourish in a marriage.  Honesty & understanding in sexual matters lead to a life of confident love together.

Sex is not to be used as a bargaining chip.  That is not something God allows us to withhold without consequences.  The heart of marriage is one of giving ourselves to each other to meet the other’s needs, and sex is one God-given opportunities to do that.  We will enjoy the pure delight that flows when sex is done for all the right reasons.

All I can say is I sure hope to be married again!!!

Until next time…

Dare 31

Love & Marriage

This dare is about leaving your parents’ home to go into your marriage home.  It talks about severing the apron strings so even though you still respect your parents opinion they can no longer tell you what to do.

I never had a problem ‘cutting the apron stings’ as they say.  They were cut a long time ago – I was sent off to boarding school when I was 12 years old, and though my parents still told me what to do I had to learn to stand on my own 2 feet.

Looking back on my failed marriage I can see how my husband’s parents were much more in the picture than my parents were because they lived in the same town.  But they never told us what to do.  Our parents had nothing to do with why the marriage didn’t work, but that’s a topic for another day ;)

I understand what this dare is about and in the future when I’m in another marriage I have a better understanding of God’s blueprint of how a marriage is supposed to work.

Until next time…

Dare 30

Love’s bring unity

Love in marriage is about unity, togetherness & oneness.  These are the unshakable hallmarks of God.

This whole Dare is about the love between a husband and wife and the unity of marriage. And in looking back at my past marriage I can see now that though married in a church we didn’t invite God into our marriage.

There was no unity, no oneness giving our marriage a purpose to be ‘defended for life’.

I will take the lesson from this dare into the marriage I know God has planned for my future.

Until next time…

Dare 29

Love’s motivation

More often than we would like, there are many time in relationships when it’s hard to be inspired to demonstrate our love, and when we do, it may not be received when we express it.  It’s hard to stay motivated to show our love when we are looking for that motivation from the other person.  Moods & emotions can create all kinds of moving motivational targets and can be de-motivating at times too.

But when God is our reason for loving our ability to love is guaranteed because love comes from God.

Love that is motivated by duty can’t hold out for very long. And love that is only motivated by favorable conditions will not be long lasting.  Only love that is lifted up as an offering to God is able to sustain itself when all other reasons no longer motivate us.

Our actions and the demonstration of love in our lives should have one chief objective – to honor God with devotion and sincerity.  The fact that others are blessed in the process is simply and added benefit.

As I change my focus & perspective to knowing that God is the source and supply of my love – not just for my own needs but for others in my life too – the whole reason for interacting with others changes.  Now it is to honor God returning to Him in gratitude for that all he has done for me.

Today I am grateful to know that with God in my life I will have a never ending source of love to share in my relationships, and that my actions are serving a higher purpose which makes it possible to love even when  my love is not received.

Until next time…

Dare 28

Love makes sacrifices

When life is hard for us we notice it, but when life is hard for others we don’t usually notice it until they start complaining about it, and even then we may not take them seriously.  The pain & pressure friends and family are under doesn’t register with us the way our own pain & pressure does.  But when we complain we expect everyone to understand and feel sorry for us.

This doesn’t happen when love is at work.  When we come from a place of love we don’t have to be jarred awake by obvious signs of distress.  Love sees the worries & troubles before they bury our friends & family.  It sees the weight beginning to pile up and steps in to help before things get out of hand.

Love is sensitive and makes sacrifices and keeps us tuned in so we can respond without being asked.  The words ‘how can I help or support you?’ need to be fresh on my lips because when I help a friend or family member through through a tough situation I am building a stronger relationship which in turn benefits both of us.

There have been many times in my life when things have been tough and people have helped & sacrificed for me, with & without me asking for help.  Today I choose to come from that place of love, to be more aware of what is going on in the lives of my friends & family and to step in to help before they have to ask.

Until next time…

Dare 27

Love encourages

Love is about personal responsibility and improving ourselves rather than demanding more from others.

When we expect others to fulfill our hopes and make us happy we create unrealistic expectations which can only lead to disappointment.  The more expectations we have of others the more they are likely to fail us.  But choosing to live by encouragement instead of expectation we shift in a way that benefits everyone.

Love puts our focus on personal responsibility and improving ourselves instead if demanding more from others.

I’ve learned the more I work on myself and encourage others, the more peace I have, I am not full of anger or resentment because someone didn’t do what I thought they should do.

No matter how hard I try, in the end the only person I have any control over is myself.  So if on a daily basis I let go of expectations, work on myself and become an encourager of others, I not only find peace in my life, but I help others do the same.

Until next time…

Dare 26

Love is responsible

It’s about personal responsibility which has been declining in our society - we see it more & more, people less likely to acknowledge their own mistakes.  We see it everywhere we look - in politics, business & celebrity headlines.  But this problem extends beyond the rich & famous, people everywhere are finding excuses for their actions, including the person I see in the mirror every morning.

We are quick to find fault with others, deflect the blame, defend criticism and justify our motives.

But love doesn’t pass the blame so easily or justify selfish motives.  When we come from a place of love we are  more concerned with the needs of others than our own.  Love takes responsibility for it’s actions, it doesn’t make excuses, it keeps working to make a difference.

What would our world be like today if whenever there was a disagreement, in the Corporate Boardroom or the bedroom, instead of passing the blame, we first admitted & took responsibility for our part in the situation?  Love is responsible & willing to admit and correct it’s own faults and errors up front without placing blame on others.

The bottom line is I am right where I am today because of the choices I have made in my life – good or bad, right or wrong, these choices have made me what I am today.  I used to play the blame/justify game, but I have learned that it is easier to admit when I have made a mistake, correct it or make amends for the wrong choice and move on having learned something and grown from the situation.

By coming from this place of love, and learning to taking responsibilities for my actions, I don’t live in fear today.  It’s amazing how much simpler and enjoyable my life is when I take responsibility instead of blaming & justifying.

Until next time…

Dare 25

Love forgives

Forgiveness can be very hard sometimes – why would we forgive someone who has hurt or wronged us?  Forgiveness has the power to set us free!  However it cannot just be considered or contemplated, it must be deliberately put into practice.

When we have anger or hatred or resentment in our hearts we become trapped as if in a prison of our own creation.  We are trapped inside our prison walls with the bitterness, anger & unforgiveness we choose to hold onto.  We replay the action against us over & over again giving it the power to ruin our lives.  Each time we replay the event our resentments grow stronger and the walls our prison become harder to break through.

Freedom is dependent on forgiveness.  Forgiveness doesn’t absolve anyone of blame.  And it certainly doesn’t clear their record with God.  It just give you the freedom to stop worrying about how you would punish them.  When you forgive someone you are turning them over to God who you can count on to deal with in His way & His time.

It’s not about winning or losing, it’s about letting go of the past and gaining the freedom to go on with your life.  There is a real sense of peace & freedom when you truly forgive someone.  I have experienced this first hand many times and it is amazing how good it feels to let myself out of my prison and to truley to be free. 

And the way I know I have truly forgiven someone is when I hear their name or see them I no longer feel my blood pressure rise, I just feel sorry for them.

I am so grateful to have learned the power of forgiveness.

Until next time…

Dare 24

Love vs. Lust

Lust is in opposition to love, meaning we set our hearts and passions on thing that are not ours. 

Usually people associate lust with sex or wanting to be with someone other than their mate.  However lust also extends to possession, power and prideful ambition; we see what others have and we want it.  Every object of our lust represents the beginning of a lie.

The person or thing that seems to promise satisfaction is more likely to create a bottomless pit of unmet longings.  Lust always breeds more lust – instead of filling a void it leads to emptiness & longing.

I’ve learned that when I long for something that is not mine I have no joy in my life.  It’s like looking at the hole in the donut instead of the donut itself.  When I stop focusing on what I don’t have and become grateful for the gifts God has given me I find peace and happiness and a sense of satisfaction.

When my eyes and heart are on God, my actions will lead to lasting joy, not to endless cycles of regret and condemnation.  Lust is the best this world has to offer, but love offer us the best life in this world. 

There was a dark time in my life when I was very discontent and jealous of what others had, but today I choose to be grateful for everything God has given me instead of choosing discontentment.

Until next time...

Dare 23

Love always protects

In relationships there will always be joys & sorrows, successes & failures, and disagreements. And though finding ways to avoid the disagreements is ideal, we will likely have to work through things. However, there are some battles we should be more than willing to fight, and these are the battles that pertain to protecting the ones we love.

And I’m not talking about physically fighting off someone who is trying to harm our loved ones – though that is definitely something I’m sure most people would do in a heartbeat – myself included!   I have always had a protective instinct – I will always step up to protect & defend people in need – maybe it has something to do with being so big (but that is a whole other discussion)

But the fights I am referring to here are with the enemies that are much more subtle. They come in all sorts of shapes & sizes and they sneak into our lives & relationships almost unnoticed. They are things like bad influences/bad habits, unhealthy relationships, shame & self-doubt, abuse & addictions, and it is my/our responsibility to the people we love to help protect them from these things or help them overcome then if any of these enemies already exist in their lives or in our relationship.

I hope that God will bless me with another intimate relationship, but in the meantime I will always love, protect, defend & support my loved ones.

Until next time…

Dare 22

Love is Faithful

Love is the basis for our whole identity; love is what we were created to share.

So what do we do when that love is rejected? Think about what God does when we reject His love – He continues to love us. He showers us with favor without measure though in return we often don’t pay attention. We reject Him in many ways and He still loves us and remains faithful.

I know I have turned my back on God many times. I have gotten mad at Him, yelled at Him, stopped praying to Him, even cursed Him, But He is always there when I see my way clear to go back to Him. And that is the way ideally I choose to love. Love my enemies, do good for those I don’t like, and pray for those who hurt me.

I know there are times when I don’t love this way and it doesn’t feel good, though at the time I think it will – revenge never benefits me. But when I act in love towards those that have harmed me I feel better knowing that I can pray for this person and maybe they will open their heart and let God’s love in.

I can give undeserved love because God gives me undeserved love. I ask Him to fill me with the kind of love only He can provide and then I can give it away. My supply is endless, He continues to pour His love into me so I will always have enough to give away.

Until next time…

Dare 21

Love is satisfied in God

Having God in my life has made life so much more enjoyable. I have always been a Christian, I believed, but it wasn’t until about 20 years ago that I really began to develop a relationship with God. I invited him into my life and began the life long journey of developing that relationship.

I was told that God is very polite – He won’t come into my life unless I invite Him in, and that is what I have done through daily prayer. I have learned over the years that God has my best interests in mind – He wants me to be happy & successful and when I’m not getting my way or things aren’t working out the way I think they should it’s usually because they aren’t supposed to, that God has other things in mind for me.

I need God in my life every day and I take Him with me wherever I go. Like a friend, I can talk to Him any time, not just at night when I’m on my knees saying my prayer before I go to bed. He is the one thing I can depend on every time, no matter what, he will see me through.

When I put my expectations in other people or things to make me happy, I’m setting myself up for disappointment. They can’t fill that empty feeling inside of me, but Gad can and He does. I truly believe He has everything under control and I just show up every day and keep moving forward and more will be revealed to me.

I’ve learned that happiness is an inside job and by plugging into God everyday that happiness is always available to me when I choose it.

Until next time…

Dare 20

Love is Jesus Christ

God sent his only begotten son into the world so that we might live through Him.  He died for our sins so that we might have eternal life.  His death made invalid the very idea that we are unloved and devalued.

God loves us all in spite of our sins and proved His love for us.  Love like this can not be understood, nor can love like this be earned.  This kind of love is a gift from God.  It is not a result of works – we all are loved the same and if we choose to accept Jesus as our savior the gift is eternal life. 

How AWESOME is that.  We accept Jesus as our Savior, believe it in our heart that God raise Him from the dead and we are saved by grace.

And in receiving this new life and love as my own I am free to love in ways I’ve never been capable of before.  He willingly loves me even though I don’t deserve it, and even if I don’t return it.  He sees all my flaws & imperfections and still chooses to love me.  This means that I may now share this love with others even if it isn’t returned.

I may not be able to meet their needs the way God can, but I can become an instrument for God to use to meet their needs.  As I am learning, true love is found in Jesus.  And this gift allows me to be ready to truly live.

Until next time…

Dare 19

Love is Impossible.

According to the book, we can't manufacture unconditional love (agape love) out of our own heart.  We may demonstrate kindness & unselfishness and be more thoughtful & considerate, but agape love is something only God can do, and He chooses to express His love through us.

When I first read this I was a little put off, but the more I read and the more I thought about it, it makes sense.  If I’m not right with God how can I love myself or anyone else.  He is the Source of love, and I can’t give what I don’t have; I can’t pay out love in greater measures than what I have.

The love that will withstand every pressure life offers is out of my reach if I an only looking within myself for that love.  But when I have God in my heart and I look to Him for that love I am able to tap into love’s real power. 

I am learning to stop resisting and receive the love God has for me.  Meaning the love he has poured into my heart through the Holy Spirit is always available every time I choose to submit to it. I simply won’t be able to do it without Him.

The truth is I can’t live without Him and I can’t love without Him.  But there is no telling what He will do when I put my trust in him.  That’s how I love, with God in my heart.

Until next time…

Dare 18

Love seeks to understand

We love to learn about all the things that interest us, sports, gardening, boating, golfing, cooking, our favorite teams or writers.  The list goes on & on – we are willing to invest the time & make the effort to learn about the things we are interested in, the things we love to do.  We read about the sports, we watch the cooking shows, we take classes, we spend money on our hobbies.

But what about the people we love?  How well do we know them?  How much time do we invest in getting to learning about them? How much do we really know them – their like & dislikes, their habits & hobbies, their fears & struggles, their hopes & dreams?  They may react differently to certain situations than we do and we can’t figure out why.

Could it be some of the problems we have relating to our loved ones are because we don’t understand them.  And this applies to everyone we love, not just our mate.  There are times when my sister drives me crazy and I have the choice to let her actions push my buttons or I can take the opportunity to engage her in conversation and try to learn to get to know her a little better so the next time I will understand her actions and it won’t drive me crazy.

It’s amazing how taking a little time to get to know someone instead of jumping to conclusions can totally shift the relationship.  Having a deeper understanding of my loved ones will make the relationships stronger and make it possible for me to know how to be a better friend and how to support them in their time of need and to love them unconditionally.

Until next time…

Dare 17

Love promotes intimacy.

There is intimacy at some level in all relationships, not just marriage.  Of course there are different degrees of intimacy depending on the relationship.  To me its really about being a true friend and being there for the other person, but also allowing them to be there for me. 

For me, intimacy means being open and vulnerable, letting people in, behind my walls, and for those who know me, that has not always been an easy thing for me to do.  

But I know to have a truly amazing relationship I not only have to be open & honest and vulnerable, I have to create the space for them to do the same thing.  It’s about accepting and not judging.  It’s about supporting and not expecting anything in return.

When I am open & honest it is risky because that person now has information about me they could potentially use to hurt me.  But I realize today if nothing is risked the gain is minimal.  If I choose to play it safe and keep my walls up I will never experience the joys God has in store for me.

So by being more vulnerable & open in my relationships I know I am opening the door to allow amazing relationships come into my life.

Until next time…

Dare 16

Love intercedes

I cannot change anyone.  As much as I want to, I can’t play God and reach into peoples hearts and mold them into what I want them to be, or think they should be.  But that’s what a lot of people in relationships do.

I realized a long time ago that when I meet a man that I’m attracted to, if I start noticing things about him I would change I need to walk away, because experience has shown me that I can’t change anyone, and believe me I have tried.  If only I had learned about the power of prayer a long time ago I may still be married, but hind sight is 20/20.

What I have learned is that prayer doesn’t change God, prayer changes me.  And as I pray for someone else I shift into acceptance of that person and myself, and maybe, in God’s time, that person will also have a shift.

I’ve learned that God does things His way on His time table, not mine.  We talk about intention vs. mechanism and how we put it out there having no idea how it will look.  Well for me, it’s the same thing with prayer and asking God for something I really, really think I want , need and know how it should be, and low & behold, when things come to pass, it always works out better in the end when I just do the work & leave the results up to God.

This reminds me of the Garth Brooks song ‘Unanswered Prayers’, about praying for something we really think we want and then later being grateful we didn’t get it. 

“Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers”

But I digress…The point is we can’t change anyone, we can only pray for them and depend on God for the results.  So I will change my complaints into prayers and watch the Master work.

Until next time…

Dare 15

Love is honorable.

I’ve always believed in being polite, but treating someone with honor means so much more.  To honor someone means I give them respect and high esteem showing them that they are special and have great worth.

And this is equally true when it comes to honoring myself – I treat myself kindly and with respect.  I love the times I engage in self-honoring acts because it really lets me just be me with none of the negative self-talk that so often robs me of the joys & successes in my life.

One of the ways I have learned to self-honor is to accept myself just the way I am – with all my faults & character defects. I am a child of God and He doesn’t make mistakes, He’s put me here for a reason. 

And when I treat myself with honor it is easy & enjoyable to treat others the same way.  To accept them for who they are allows them to step into their own beingness and what a great gift that is to give someone.

I am accepting my greatness – WOW what a shift for me.

Until next time…

Dare 14

Love takes delight.

Probably one of the most valuable thing I am learning on this journey is that I should lead my heart, not follow it; that I shouldn’t let my feelings and emotions drive my actions.

Like what I have been learning on my Klemmer journey – I don’t have to, need to or must do something – I choose to do whatever action I take. It’s a choice I make and therefore makes doing it a much more desirable & enjoyable event.  One of the things about moving to choice is that it causes me to slow down and think about what I’m about to do or not do.  I look through the action to the end result and thought I may still take the same action it is now a choice, not a reaction.

That is huge for me because so often I react based on my feelings & emotions and that doesn’t always serve me.  When in reality if I had thought through the action before reacting I may have benefited more or differently if I had taken a different action.

Love that chooses to love is just as powerful as love that feels like loving.  I choose to delight in myself and others by focusing on the good and coming from a place of choice & love.

I choose to lead my heart to delight.

Until next time…

Dare 13

Love Fights Fair

As the book state, disagreements are inevitable in relationships - all relationships, and regardless if you are married or not, fighting fair is the only way to make sure the relationship stays intact.  Couples who learn to work through conflict tend to be closer, more trusting, more intimate and enjoy a much deeper connection.

This whole concept make sense to me, but I’m not a fighter.  As I look back over my past relationships I can not recall any fights.  I remember one time this man I was dating was really trying to get me to argue with him and I let him know I don’t fight because it doesn’t accomplishes anything.

And we never fought in my marriage either.  The only thing I remember when we were getting divorced, I flew off the handle when I discover that when he move out he took the can opener, how was I supposed to feed the cats!?  This was before the easy open cans of today.  Anyway – I made a scene in a social setting, more to make my point than to fight, but afterwards I didn’t feel any kind of satisfaction.  However, my sister told me she thought it was about time I started fighting, but that was the only time it happened, and it really wasn’t a fight because it takes 2 to fight.

I’m just not a fighter – maybe it’s because I saw my Mom & step father fight a lot when I was growing up and it never made sense to me, but then again I always wonder why everyone can’t just get along.  Maybe I’m a flower child at heart.

The book says fighting fair means changing our weapons, setting boundaries that both agree to beforehand and disagreeing with dignity.

Make sense to me.  If I need to apply these things in my next relationship I will.

Until next time…

Dare 12

Love lets the other win.  But it’s not just about letting others win, it is also about being willing to compromise.

And this doesn’t just apply to marriage, it applies to all relationships.  More often than not an argument or disagreement would be over if we said ‘I’m willing to go your way on this on” or something like that.  So often during an argument it becomes more about pride and the desire to be right than the actual issue that started the argument.

I have a good friend who has been married for over 50 years and she told me the secrets for her is to pick her fights because most things aren’t worth the results a fight would bring about – from hurt feelings to anger & resentment to separation & divorce or physical harm.

Pride causes a lot of fences not to be mended.  It’s amazing what power a simple 'I'm sorry” has to restore negative situations caused by a fight no one can even remember what the fight was about – look at the Hayfields & the McCoy's – a feud that went on for generations and know one could remember why they were not supposed to like each other – how sad is that?

I’ve learned I have the choice to be right or to be happy, I choose Happy!  You know what they say “Don’t sweat the small stuff- and it’s all small stuff.”  My Dad used to say “50 years from now it won’t make any difference” and the truth in most cases is tomorrow it won’t make any difference.

One of the most important relationships in my life is with my sister and over the years we have had are fair share of disagreements.  As time has passed I’ve learned to let her win, what difference does it make.  We all have our opinions and even though she may ‘win’ I still have my opinion.  I recall a saying – ‘a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still’  So why waste the time & energy.

I choose Happiness over being right.  What's your choice?

Until Next time…

Dare 11

Love cherishes.  There were 2 analogies given in the book – one about an old car that keeps having to be repaired and the owner decides to get a new car instead of spending his limited budget on fixing the old one.  The second analogy is about a man who accidently gets his hand crushed in a piece of equipment and spends even dime of his limited budget & even his savings for the best treatment and nurses it back to health over the next few month. 

Both of these sceneries make sense in their respective situation but what we as a society have become so accustomed to doing in our relationships is treating them like the man & his car – when we experience difficulty we tend to consider trading our mate in for a “newer model”. 

The reality is there is a significant bond in relationships/marriages, we become part of one another, and just like we wouldn’t cut off our hand if it was injured because it is a part of us, we should treat our relationships like the man with the injured hand – do everything we can to repair the damage because our mate has become as much a part of us as our hand, our eye or our heart.

I know in my marriage we never even considered trying to repair things.  We just agreed it was time to move on.  How sad is that?? :(  In the beginning we were of the mind we were soul mates, but 3 short years later we were willing to trade in for a '”newer model”, in fact he was already test driving a few.  Though this was over 20 years ago I remember being very hurt, but never considered trying to save the relationship.

I know now I will treat my next marriage/mate in a completely different manner because now I understand we become a part of each other, we are interwoven and I will treat him the same way I would treat myself.  When I am showing love to my spouse/mate I am showing love to myself.

I will nourish and cherish the love of my life.

Until next time…

Dare 10

Love is unconditional.  I’ve heard about unconditional love before but never really understood what it meant until now. 

The book explains there are really 3 kinds of love, agape (pronounced uh-GOP-ay) which is the true unconditional love, meaning our love is not based on conditions – they are fun, pretty, dependable, handsome, strong, faithful etc. These are all conditions, which can easily change over time.  This kind of love is not determined by the one being loved, but by the one choosing to love.

Agape love differs from the other 2 kinds of love, phileo (friendship) and eros (sexual love) because unconditional love will not be swayed by time or circumstance.  It’s important to have friendship – common interests, and a healthy sex life, but if these are the only foundation for the relationship/marriage it may not last the test of time.

Phileo and eros can fluctuate based on feelings and changes in conditions. Agape love on the other hand is selfless & unconditional.  I know today that my marriage was mostly about Phileo & Eros love and had little Agape love, and now I know why it didn’t last – conditions changed! 

As I continue on my journey of life I don’t know if there is another intimate relationship/marriage in my future, but now that I understand the different kinds of love I will proceed with a little more knowledge of the heart.

Until next time...

Dare 9

Love makes good impressions.  How do we greet people we know and don’t know?  How do we greet people we like & don’t like?

Our greeting is our first chance to make an good impression.  I’ve never really thought about this before, but now that I’m thinking about it and observing myself I have to admit I greet people differently depending on who they are and if I know them or not or like them or not.  The book states that being godly includes being humble and gracious enough to address even our enemies with kindness.

I don’t think I have any enemies, at least none that I know of ,but if I do encounter someone who may not like me I’m sure I would greet them politely anyway.  It’s funny, last night I did run into someone from my past and I couldn’t remember where I knew them from initially, but we greeted each other, conversed for a minute then went on to talk with other people.  Well as the night went on I remembered where I knew him from and that we had had a disagreement the last time we talked.  Though it was nothing major, at the time we both thought it was.  Anyway the point is, time past, we both moved on and forgot about the incident.  Holding a grudge would not have served either of us.  We greeted each other as if nothing had happened and went on to have a pleasant evening.

As I go through my day it is amazing how easy it is to make someone’s day with a friendly ‘hello’ and a smile. I know for me, when someone communicates that they are glad to see me, my personal sense of self-worth increases.  I feel more important and valued. a good greeting sets the stage for positive and healthy interactions and can even heal past bad impressions.

So think about how you greet people and make someone’s day.

Until next time…

Dare 8

Love is not jealous.  I never really thought about it before, but there are 2 kinds of jealousy – legitimate based on love and  illegitimate based on envy.

Legitimate jealousy is sparked when someone you love turns away from you, and this can be a spouse or a friend or anyone you love.  It hurts when someone turns away from us and chooses another.  I experienced this in my marriage and in friendships.  It’s a sad day when someone you love decided they don’t want your love any more. 

Illegitimate jealousy, on the other hand, is in opposition to love.  It is rooted in selfishness, wanting what others have, instead of being happy for them, you envy them.  I used to be very jealous of my sister and the success she had financially – I wanted to be her.  As the years have past and things have changed in both our lives I no longer want to be her or have what she has, because to be her would mean the whole package and as I have gotten to know her better over the last 20 years I’ve seen sides of her I would not want.  Today I celebrate all her successes and have no envy towards her.

Jealousy is a common struggle and sometimes we don’t even realize it.  I can poison us from living the life God intended us to live.  The way to diffuse the anger & resentment that comes for being jealous and envious is to learn to love others & be happy for them. 

What I have learned over the years is when I’m in that bad place of envy & jealousy, the resentments can lead to hatred and I waste a lot of time and energy fuming about something or someone and they don’t even know about it.  The only person really harmed by this is me!  Self-inflicted misery, and no one want to be around someone like that.  So I have learned to be happy for people and that helps me to be happy too.

Until next time…

Dare 7

Today is about loving myself and everyone in my life in spite of our shortcomings. 

We all have them, but the key to happiness is to not focus on them.  When I focus on my shortcoming I get in a very sad, mad, bad mood – I play the ‘what if’ game and really start to regret choices I’ve made.  When in reality, when I shift from focusing on my shortcoming and look at all my positive attributes I immediately move into a much better mood, I get happy and I look forward to what the future holds.

Yes, I’ve made some bad decisions and wrong choices in the past, but to dwell on them is a waste of time because no one can change history.  What I do know is I can learn for those mistakes and move forward into better choices and decisions.  It’s all part of making me who I am today.  It’s true what they say ’what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’, though at the time we are paying the consequence of a bad decision we don’t look at it that way.

I’m responsible for my own happiness so I choose to focus on the good and positive things in me and my life and be thankful for the other things in my life that have made me who I am today.

Until next time…

Day 6

The dare for today was around looking at how easily I get irritated or offended.

I don’t get offended often – as a matter of fact, I can’t remember the last time I was offended.  Now irritated, that’s a whole different story.  Not a day goes by that I don’t CHOOSE to be irritated by something, and it is usually over something very insignificant.

What I’m beginning to see as I take on each day of the Love Dare is that I make conscious CHOICES to step into the the positive or negative aspect of each of these qualities.  Every single decision/choose I make is mine and I am responsible for the outcome.  This being the case I have no one to blame but myself if things don’t turn out positively. 

If I CHOOSE to get irritated that’s my choice and it has nothing to do with the checkout line taking to long or someone driving to slowly.  I’m responsible for making that choice and every thought, feeling, emotion or action that results from that choice and the consequences if there are any.

So the real point is that I am responsible for my own happiness, no one else.  And in turn, if my choices are positive and made from love, everyone benefits.

Until next time…

Day 5

Dare to be delightful.  Today is about not being rude.  And again, this should apply everywhere in life, not just in marriages, but in all relationships, big or small, old or new, family or friends.  No one likes to be around a rude person.

And there are many forms & degrees of rude from the blatantly offensive to bad table manners to sarcastic quips that are meant to be funny but really are hurtful.

I used to very sarcastic when I was younger and I remember a coworker saying to me one time “Sarcasm doesn’t look good on you” and that really hit me hard and made me take a long look at how & when I use sarcasm and I have changed my ways since then.

The key here for me is to guard the Golden Rule – treat others the way I want to be treated.  Often times in my prayers when I’m praying for specific people I start to pray for everyone, the sick, the suffering, those that know God and those that don’t, and I ask why can’t we all just get along – if there was more kindness & less rudeness in the world, it would be a much happier place.

I pray that I will be thoughtful and loving enough of my fellow man that I may discover and avoid the behaviors that cause life to be unpleasant for others.

Until next time, Dare to be Delightful!

Day 4

Love is thoughtful – today was a bit of a struggle at first because the dare was to contact my spouse and ask them how they are doing and if there was anything I could do for them.  The struggle was around the fact that there is no spouse at the moment, so I reached out to other people in my life and did the same thing. 

It’s amazing how easier things are when I don’t have an agenda, when I just offer and see what happens.  As the book says “love thinks”, loving thoughts precede loving actions.  Love thinks before speaking, it filters words through a grid of truth and kindness.  Thoughtlessness is a silent enemy to all loving relationships, not just in marriage.

When I was growing up my Mom and Dad would always ask ‘what’s the magic word?’ and the answer was ‘please’.  In retrospect I think I would have gained more if they had included the words patience, kindness, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.  Well at least I’m learning about them now so as I continue on this journey of life my experiences will be shifting as I shift into the new insight I have gained from practicing the actions of patience, kindness, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.

Until next time…

Day3

Dare to recognize my selfishness.  Selfishness is the opposite of love.  It's a trait I hate in others but I justify in myself - why is that?  The book talks about putting your mate’s needs before your own, but since I’m not in a relationship at the moment I reflected back on past relationships and I can definitely see that selfishness was everywhere – Yikes!! 

Maybe that is one of the reasons I’m not in a relationship now – because I like my selfishness.  That hurts to admit =:(

But I can see where selfishness rears its ugly head in other areas of my life on a daily basis and it usually appears in the form of impatience.  I usually get impatient when I’m not getting my selfish needs fulfilled.  WOW, my selfishness leads me to be impatient which denies me the opportunities to experience joy through being kind instead of impatient and that results in not attracting loving relationships into my life – WOW, as simple as that sounds it’s a huge revelation for me!!

It's kind of like to puzzle pieces are all falling into place.

Until next time…

Day 2

It's amazing how doing unexpected acts of kindness can make you feel good.  And it doesn’t have to be anything monumental - simply opening a door for some one or letting someone into traffic – it not only makes that person feel good, It makes me feel great because I got to make someone else feel good. 

 As the book says – Kindness is love in action.  Going back to yesterday – Patience is how love reacts in order to minimize a negative situation, Kindness is hoe love acts to maximize a positive situation.  Patience avoids a problem; Kindness creates a blessing.  Love makes me kind and kindness makes me likable.  WOW, how simple can it be???!!

 It’s like I’ve been given the keys to living a HAPPY life – Patience & Kindness!!

Until next time…

Day 1

I have always been told never to pray for patience because I will be given opportunities to practice patience. Well Day 1 wasn't so much about practicing patience as it was about recognizing how I shift when I slow down. When I choose to be patient I see things differently, and today I really did.

I wasn’t in a hurry to get anywhere so it didn’t matter if I hit all the red lights or got in a long line. I actually answered the phone when the telemarketers called and let them go through their whole script before politely declining. I can really see how not being patient makes me come off as rude or angry.

I see now how my impatience has caused me a lot of discomfort & loneliness in my life. This 1 day certainly has opened my eyes, but it will be a life time of practice that will bring about the shifts in me & my life.

As the book says - Love & patience go hand in hand. Patience is where love meets wisdom, it’s a deep breath, and it gives me a choice to control my emotions instead of letting my emotions control me. It turns out that few people are hard to live with as an impatient person. And now that my eyes have been opened, for the rest of this journey called life I choose not to be that impatient person.